i was sitting on the hood of my car smoking a cigarette in my pea coat after rehersal looking up at the trees throuh my cloud of smoke. Rehersal had just wrapped up and i was waiting for my car to warm up.I've gotten to the point that I've decided that I have to be myself completely and if anyone has an issue with that - oh well.

John had an issue with that. He disappeared. I'm honestly okay with that though. I always felt not good enough around him, and I know that I am good enough.

That sounds cocky, but whatever.

I'm not a Christian though. I don't think I am. I wish i was. So, i was staring up at my gray sky with its full moon watching my cigarette smoke coil up to heaven and I was thinking about where I was a year ago.

I didn't have to think very hard or very long. I had my nose buried in a smooth new copy of Velvet Elvis, reading every page with the big "I'm a kitten with a canary in my mouth" smile. This was a big crazy conspiracy that i really wanted to be a part of.

So what did i do?

I started making sandwiches. Sunday mornings. Bologna, cheese, wonder bread, mustard and lettuce. I probably could have gone to church, but I though this is what Jesus wanted. I was going to join the Catholic Worker Movement and (as my best friend put it) "lace up my doc martens and throw my life away". I gave most of my clothes to goodwill. I was poor, wearing the same pants all the time and perfectly content.

Then, I got a nice car. A well paying job. A new iPod. People who thought I was good, and cool and intellectual when you're not being particularly good, cool or intellectual.

I've become a jerk. I've become pretty and shallow and I don't even feel human anymore. A jerk who isn't following Jesus.

I miss who I was. And I miss Him, I kind of feel like I felt when I was waiting for John to get off work sitting in my LeSabre and getting excited everytime someone came outside. because I knew one of these people were going to be him, and I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. Except Jesus is so much better than John.

One of these days, he'll come out. And I won't be by myself anymore.