i went to go see rob bell at the Electric Factory in Philly today.

if you know me you know that i absolutely love rob bell. i wouldn't be a christian here today if i hadnt heard his message a la the nooma videos.

no...im...not...kidding

i was standing outside the venue waiting to go in and i turned around and he was about 5 feet away from me. in a green hoodie, sneakers, and jeans before the show started talking to a security guy. i stood and tried not to stare but i think i did in a less than obvious way.

there have ben so many things in my faith that were once completely concrete that i feel like stress and jules dying and life have tried tto erase. thing is have almost forgotten.

things tonight i was reminded of.

i can't wait to move to michigan :)

i drank tea.

i feel a-m-a-z-i-n-g.

i don't understand why. i feel like weight fell off.

the other night my mother was saying something about Jules adn i had a massive, violent, crazy FLIP OUT throwing things and crying and screaming about how i wish he could see my new haircut because he would have loved it and he was my friend and it wasnt fair and then i finally ran out of energy and just sat there crying on my bed. and i felt lighter.

i think i might be back to normal. I mean, i miss him so much and i'll never forget him but i think he would hate that i was doing this. So tonight, i sat on my aunts sailboat, stirring a cup of tea and poking at a piece of pecan pie, the sea breeze blowing my hair in ever direction and i realized that it was okay. very very okay. Mikey says that it hurts so bad because our souls are repairing.

i can accept that. i can begin let myself heal.

I knew this would happen one day, but i didn't know when. I had the conversation that I've been imagining in my head since i was sixteen.

and it was so much worse than i thought.

So i'm at work, its me wendy and alicia. Wendy asks if i celebrate christmas, and i say "yeah you know I do" and she made a joke about me being a church girl. We laugh, Alicia doesnt. She looks at alicia and asks the same question. Alicia looks at her deadpan and says, "No." wendy asks what holiday she does and she says "I can't tell you that, I don't want to lose my job."


Yule.


i could smell it. Alicia starts yelling about how shes a pagan and starts staring at me and rambling about how we stole yule and turned it in to christmas. I smiled, shruged and told her she was right. the llok of shock was priceless. I explained the short version of my past and she listened attentively.

"So you're a blood traitor?"
"Excuse me?"
"you turned your back on your people in favor of the mainstream lie."
"I could hardly put it that way."
"You knew the truth, you had drawn down the moon, yo had seen her face, you had gone through the wheel and you traded it all in for a fish on your car and church on sunday."
"It's not like that."
"You must regret it every day."
"I have never even looked back."
"Oh Liz i can feel those witches burning can't you?"
"Sort of like the christians that were fed to the lions in rome?"
"so is this the part that you subtlely ask me to go to your cute little youth group and shove jesus down my throat until i recite that little sinners prayer."
"Nahh."
"Isn't that how your people operate? Your people killed my high priest in a viscious hate crime."
"my people?'
"christians"
"thats terrible I'm sorry, but that isnt me"
"mmhmm"
"theres no point in arguing with you is there?"
"you'll lose this battle"
"i know all the same moves as you honey. but next time you want me to cover for you on Mabon, or Lughnassadh, or Ostara...forget about it'

I turn to to walk away

"hey...what about Belthane, Imbolc and Litha?"
"...maybe"

i stood stronger than i thought i could. it was very cool

they come in threes

aslan disappeared last night.

its cold and raining.

i hope he comes home

its been a week.
Talking With opened tonight and i ran lights which i absolutely love to do, Martinak gave me a beer *giggles*

that can't mask the fact that i just don't know what to do with myself.

email me - misselizabeththomas@gmail.com

i need people

He died.

I don't know what to do.

To:: Jules Small Jr.

From:: Elizabeth Thomas

Hey Jules,

I know you're not reading this.I know I'm just talking to myself. look, you're my mentor. I think you know that. You're my friend too. One of my best friends in the world and i don't understand how I'm here eating indian food andplaying with my cat and you're in a coma almost braindead. I love you too much. I'm smoking again because of you. You don't even know I smoke. heh. I probably lost my job because i told off my boss.

You're not allowed to die. Please. I. don't. know. if. you. understand. exactly. how. much. i. need. you. here.