I was in barnes and noble today soaking up free air conditioning and flipping through Anne Lamotts new book when something i have never seen before caught my eye. A little girl - maybe thirteen years old and her mother - the stereotypical new jersey suburban mother in the new age section. i walked over and pretended to be flipping through something on spellcraft as i watched the pair.

Then she did it.

She picked up a copy of teen witch by silver ravenwolf.

trash. total trash. i had this book when i was twelve its amazing i ever progressed. i knelt down and picked up a book on wicca, making eye contact with the mother in a 'I can help you' sort of way

"Maybe this nice lady can help us."
I looked up and smiled tucking my diamond cross into my blouse.
"what do you need?"
"I met laurie cabot..." the little girl mumbled. I saw myself in her so much
"ah, the official witch of salem."
"You know her?"
"No, but I know of her. So what about Laurie Cabot?"
"well, I talked to her and I want to be a witch."
I nodded holding back tears "A worthy pursuit I will say."
"Are you a witch?"
"Me? Once upon a time I thought I was."
she nodded asif she knew exactly what I meant.
"So what book do you recommend miss?" the mother interjected
"Oh, put down that silver ravenwolf silliness. Wicca for One by Scott Cunningham. Its excellant."
"Thank You ma'am."
"Oh you're welcome. Its a pleasure to help."

I walked back to the religion section and went back to my anne lamott trying to decide if I did a good deed or not.

Oh Brother!

A conversation i had at the beach today with my brother roberts best friend (also named robert)

Liz: So, you go to catholic school, thats gotta be rough. Do the nuns slap you around and stuff?"

Rob: No but the brothers yell at us

Liz: A Brother thats like a monk right?

Rob : A brother is a homeboy who slaps the bitches around. I thought you would know that liz.

Liz: Mmmm, you're right i did know that. So does that make you a bitch?

Pray For My Kitty

this morning aslan woke up with on extremely swelled up cheek so i took him to the vet. It turns out the poor guy got bit on the face before he went to the shelter and it was infected.

he's getting surgery tonight and i miss the little sweetie.

i think God intercedes for cats.

our newest family member Aslan Jacob







"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

- the lion the witch and the wardrobe by C.S Lewis

Endings

So i had my last day of work yesterday. I was there for five damn hours and when i got home I kind of wanted to die - but abbela wanted to go swimming so we swam instead which was okay. I guess. She ran around in my pink bikini for a while yelling "I am a transvestite" much to the amusement of my cat george and my new kitten aslan. I sat in a tube and read (big surprise there.)

For those of you who don't know what I do, I am a superbabysitter. I work at a big daycare and I am in control of about thirty kids for about three hours everyday.I' ve gotten to the point that I know most of my little guys better than their parents do which is more than just unsettling and that I answer to MOM before I answer to elizabeth.

I saw was evil when i looked at these kids. I didn't want to be near them, i didn't want to hug them i wanted the mall to dissapear. I wanted to read and listen to my iPod and not jump rope

I wasnt always that way though. I used to live to go to work. I loved my kiddies asif they were my own. If they were crying i'd be tearing up too because i could not stand to see little people so sad. we would play dominos and jenga and i would only use little words when we played scrabble (I'm a scrabble champion) and we would draw with chalk and it was bliss.

Then one day Abbela picked me up from work in full drag of course and I guess because of the way we were talking or because of the way she calls me honey,well my boss thought we were an item.

Doc Martens + Melissa Etheridge concert tees+ cargo pants + never wearing any makeup+ occasionally referencing the mohawk you used to have+ transvestites for friends = raging lesbian.

I have a slew of ex boyfriends who could protest but I'm tired of having to defend myself against things like that.

So then they started to try to get me fired for anything thing I did. Being that my mother is their boss, it didn't work. So instead they treated me like crap every minute of every day I had work until it broke me completely. I couldn't even remember what I saw in the little demons that I had to entertain for three hours a day.

I was sitting with my kids making head garlands out of clover flowers andIi remembered what it was. they were talking about religion and what their parents grew up with in china and how they went to church and christianity was the american religion and they kept using that term which made me laugh a little (I wasn't going to correct them - they're all seven years old) and then they started on politics

Maureen: "My dad met george bush. they should have arm wrestled or something> He's an idiot."
Aimee: "Yeah, my parents like that black guy"
Jenna: "Hilary. its all about Hilary. Barak is a loser. Hilary."
Me: "None of you are old enough to vote."
Maureen: We're old enough to know that George bush is a loser though."
Aimee + Jenna: "Yeah"
Jenna: "Gosh elizabeth, don't you know anything ?"

And then i remembered and it surged back. That ridiculous insane love for the little ragamuffins that I spent way to much time with. I was so horrified by how badly I treated them and part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness.

We made necklaces and drank apple juice instead. It was the right ending.

SCHOOLS OUT FOREVER!!

okay, now for whatever i was thinking about

when it comes to political things and foreign policy and all of that smart people stuff I am clueless. I have no excuse consitering the New York Times lands on my doorstop every morning but the only sections I read are arts and leisure, sunday styles, metro and the new york time magazine. I used to be the president of Model UN and I followed politics really closely but now I don't really have the energy - which i know is pretty bad, but I'm not too proud to admit that i can be pretty clueless at times.

Anyway, so i drive past thre schools on my way to school. One is a catholic school that my ex-best friend goes to, so i kind of scowl at it and get on with life. So the other day my brother rob and i were driving to school and listening to Jewel and rob commented on lyric that I've always been a fan of

"There are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would come to be"

We got stuck at a light and we were face to face with a billboard that said "St. Thomas Aqainus High School Prays for Darfur" which I had never noticed. Rob would have been more inclined to consitering he was part of the huge campaign for darfur that our school had - tee shirts, donations and a huge battle of the bands to raise money. I thing we finished over ten thousand dollars - all donated to savedarfur.

i felt the snob in me creep up - they were praying and we were raising as much money as we could...

and now i feel horrible about myself

I i don't start reading I'm gonna die.

I learned how to read street signs when i was three years old and started reading Steinbeck and Stephen King when I was ten. Except lately, i've been so distracted that i don't read any thing of quality except books we read in school. I made a summer reading list

))Fiction((

New Reads
1.) Clockwork Orange
2.) Everything Is Illuminated
3.) The Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius
4.) Fight Club
4.) In Cold Blood
5.) The New Harry Potter book and the last HP book that came out

Rereads
1.) the Narnia Series
2.) The Little Prince
3.) To Kill a Mockingbird (everyone should read this every summer.)
4.) Bible cover to cover (i've never gone straight thru)
5.) Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

the non fictionlist will come later - and oh don't bitch at me forr puting the bible on my fiction list. it reads like a narrative and not stereo instructions (well...you could probably argue that at some points lol) and that is why it is there.

Advice? Seriously, this list won't get me through june...

<3

liz

I realize that whenever I have these silly blog things, i never write about my real life, usually just abstract things that happen in my head behind my real life. That probably gets on everybodys nerves becuase its so heavy.

I am a very cheery person. I walked in to church with a pout the other day (err...sunday) and my friend Lucy ran over to me and exclaimed "Where is Liz?" which was really confusing becuase they usually ask where Abbe (my best friend who occasionaly graces New Beginnings Church with her lovely messianic jewish transvestite presence.) i laughed, not sure how to answer her question and trying to buy some time and she kissed me on the forehead and smiled saying "Oh there she is". I have a reputation on being happy which I wear with pride.

this afternoon i had to fulfil my duties as the president of the gay straight alliance at the house of one of my very best friends Mr. Christian Carrillo. Once upon a time he was my english teacher, but now we are just buddies. He live with his partner is an awesome little house in spotswood which is so beautiful i can't even explain it. Being that it was the end of the year and so many of us were graduating, he had barbeque for us. I wasn't sure what to expect so i made a pasta salad and made the forty minute drive to spotswood.

Donald Bender, my VP made my life. If today, he decided to start a religion based on himself i would join it. He bought a slip and slide. I am an elitist. i will admit it. I don't go a no slip and slide no sir. but there i was, in my extrememly prude two piece bathing suit standing before this great plastic thing. Who the hell came up with the slip and slide? They should be cannonized immedietly

I have one word. Cathartic. I've been in a serious slump lately. But laying in a little pool at the end of a slip and slide being splashed by your awesome transgendered best friend and your cool gay english teacher who you go to worship concerts with there is no time to be dignified. You just have to laugh and scream and give in and accept that you look like a chubby hot pink beached whale and there is nothing you would rather be doing.

and to make things better - Donny gave me the slip and slide to take home - so every minute of the summer that i'm not posting on the ooze - i can be embarassing myself in my front lawn

awesome!

domesticated

I stared down at my addidas shoes box full of CDs. It was about 78 degrees out - perfect in my little skirt, cami, and flip flops so the music had to be perfect. My cat had just run away and i had to go down to the animal shelter to see if he was there.

There was one CD under the passenger seat- something I obviously hadn't listened to in while. I reached down there, my curiousity burning.

mewithoutYou. The cover glared up at me as if calling me a chump,challenging to me to put it in the CD player and see where it led me. I popped out Sinead O'Connor and put the disc in.

Part of me says that I should have resisted. I should have just put on Jars of Clay or the radio or something and went about my normal happy stagnant day. maybe I wouldn't have had to drive down to the boat dock and stare down at the raritan river and wonder what the hell happened.

There was a time in my life when I threw out all of my clothes, stopped eating meat, stopped watching TV, and prayed all day long. God and i were in constant dialouge and there was no one i would rather talk to. I knew beyond all shadow of doubt that he really really loved me no matter what. A time when religion was a sattle and I was a wild pony. A time when spending my entire paycheck on cans for the food pantry made perfect sense. A time when I knew that everything was a gift. A time when i was good to everyone because God was good to me. On sunday morning I would make sandwiches and listen to mewithoutYou and them put them in bags and drive them to a soup kitchen in new brunswick and then go out for mexican with my mom.

...I don't do that any more. I wake up late, put on makeup, brush my hair and pick out a sweater set and knee legnth skirt so i can go to church, sit in the back row, kiss everyone on the cheek, smile and then drive home still carrying that bitter ache, plagued by doubts - constantly wondering if an hour and a half on sunday morning is what Christ had in mind.

I don't even think I'm a christian anymore. I don't know if I'm following Christ at all. Reading that sentence is pretty painful - I constantly give people advice about spiritual things and they think I'm so insightful and so holy and I listen to christian music in the car and I constantly journal about theological things (I have little debates with myself) and i still read lots of biblical commentary. I went to a freakin Hillsong United concert two weeks ago and jumped up like you've never seen me jump up and down before. I have Jeremy Camp tickets for august. I look the part. I look like the cutest little stereotypical christian girl you've ever see. Have you ever seen 'Saved!', you know the girls in that movie? Thats what i'm talkin about.

the King has left the building. I went to the boat dock on saturday to mourn a time when my faith was insane. A time when all i wanted was to get rid off all my baggage so I could partner with Jesus and take on the world and all of the corruption that was strangling it.

What happened?

When did i become domesticated?

i found this written on a piece of paper in the back of my journal from febuary and I absolutely love it:

i believe in art.

i believe that grafitti on subway cars can be just as beautiful as masterpieces in the museum.

i believe that the quality of maracas and tambourines can surpass symphonies

i believe in love.

i believe that the shy smiles of children can melt the hearts of cruel dictators.

i believe that unity is not syonymous with homogeny.

and that we must love one another or die

because love wins.

i believe that love - sexual or emotional is valid in all forms and sarced.

and that only unhappy people judge people

i believe in another world that is coming

with streets of green

i believe that change will only come only when we bring it.

i believe that God is peeling away at the layers of hate in our hearts like ugly retro wallpaper and whispering that we are beautiful in our ears.

i believe that we could be doing better than we are.

i don't know the excuses that we'll make to further generations. "We we're just following orders" has grown stale.

i don't think they'll accept our excuses

so i hope we can drop the egos apologize

provided that we haven't destroyed everything ,

i believe that if we orient our lives in a way that is beautiful and productive, we won't have to make excuses, and we'll have nothing to apologize for

i believe that we can only pledge alliegience to ourselves

'cause we're all free agents.

i believe that the time for dreaming is coming to an end, and the time for doing is on the horizon.


I'm ready, are you?

Yearbooks

I got my yearbook today. Everyone was signing each others and laughing and making promises that they have no intentions of keeping. No one wants to keep in touch, its just a nice thing to say. Yearbook signatures are really just punctuation on friendships. Some commas, mostly periods. I don't mind telling someone 'Hey kick ass at life!' or 'I'm sorry that i'll never see you again.'

So i got a ton of signatures on my yearbook too, but there is one that stands out:

"Liz - You've always been one to set
goals and to achieve them (Becoming
first chair clarinet in symphonic band
etc..i can't think of another example
right now, but i know that you always
have a plan) So when you told me
that you weer going to Community
College I was a little set back, but then
I thought about it and I realized that
you always know exactly what you're doing."

Robert INgram thinks that i am a girl with a plan. So I was feeling all proud of myself for about ten minutes.

then the list happened. It is dated 9/5/06. It was ten things that i was going to acomplish this year. I handed it in to my english teacher and then on the last day of school i was supposed to get it back and marvel at how dedicated i was all year:

1.) Get into IUP music program ((gave up on music))

2.) Make a documentary/short film ((i don't even know why i wanted to do that))

3.)Listen to better music ((i listen to CCM now...but i don't think that's exactly what i had in mind))

4.) Go back to Parsons for painting (( my best friend and I decided that saturday mornings were for recovering from friday nights, not drawing nudes))

5.) create my masterpiece (umm...didn't even try))

6.) Not get fired from my job (( quit my job))

7.) Pass my drivers test ((passed the second time...))

8.) knit a sweater ((i made a really cool scarf))

9.) Get exempt from 2 final exams ((posting on the ooze came before HW))

10.) Go see Cat Power, Ani Difranco or Jenny Lewis in concert ((umm...who? i went to a Hillsong United concert and i have Jeremy Camp tickets for august))

so maybe my plans don't always work. I'm pretty thankful right now that I'm allowed to change my mind.