domesticated

I stared down at my addidas shoes box full of CDs. It was about 78 degrees out - perfect in my little skirt, cami, and flip flops so the music had to be perfect. My cat had just run away and i had to go down to the animal shelter to see if he was there.

There was one CD under the passenger seat- something I obviously hadn't listened to in while. I reached down there, my curiousity burning.

mewithoutYou. The cover glared up at me as if calling me a chump,challenging to me to put it in the CD player and see where it led me. I popped out Sinead O'Connor and put the disc in.

Part of me says that I should have resisted. I should have just put on Jars of Clay or the radio or something and went about my normal happy stagnant day. maybe I wouldn't have had to drive down to the boat dock and stare down at the raritan river and wonder what the hell happened.

There was a time in my life when I threw out all of my clothes, stopped eating meat, stopped watching TV, and prayed all day long. God and i were in constant dialouge and there was no one i would rather talk to. I knew beyond all shadow of doubt that he really really loved me no matter what. A time when religion was a sattle and I was a wild pony. A time when spending my entire paycheck on cans for the food pantry made perfect sense. A time when I knew that everything was a gift. A time when i was good to everyone because God was good to me. On sunday morning I would make sandwiches and listen to mewithoutYou and them put them in bags and drive them to a soup kitchen in new brunswick and then go out for mexican with my mom.

...I don't do that any more. I wake up late, put on makeup, brush my hair and pick out a sweater set and knee legnth skirt so i can go to church, sit in the back row, kiss everyone on the cheek, smile and then drive home still carrying that bitter ache, plagued by doubts - constantly wondering if an hour and a half on sunday morning is what Christ had in mind.

I don't even think I'm a christian anymore. I don't know if I'm following Christ at all. Reading that sentence is pretty painful - I constantly give people advice about spiritual things and they think I'm so insightful and so holy and I listen to christian music in the car and I constantly journal about theological things (I have little debates with myself) and i still read lots of biblical commentary. I went to a freakin Hillsong United concert two weeks ago and jumped up like you've never seen me jump up and down before. I have Jeremy Camp tickets for august. I look the part. I look like the cutest little stereotypical christian girl you've ever see. Have you ever seen 'Saved!', you know the girls in that movie? Thats what i'm talkin about.

the King has left the building. I went to the boat dock on saturday to mourn a time when my faith was insane. A time when all i wanted was to get rid off all my baggage so I could partner with Jesus and take on the world and all of the corruption that was strangling it.

What happened?

When did i become domesticated?