“She’s humble but ambitious. She’s independent but family oriented. She likes eating pizza, having great hair & wearing lots of mascara, but don’t think for a moment she’s not sophisticated. Jersey girls are about attitude. She’s got a mouth on her. She says what she means. A Jersey girl is crunchy on the outside & soft in the center. She has the tenacity & drive of a New Yorker, but with the beauty of warmth and humility that being from Jersey is all about. She’s got a nice, cheerful laugh. She’s spunky & witty & she handles competition very well. She’s got confidence. Whatever work she does, she gives it her all. Bottom line: She’s sexy as hell & if you’re lucky, she’s yours." -The Star Ledger

i will always remember a certain febuary night standing beside a good friend of mine who looked at me and commented "i've never seen you so happy. this place is good for you." i smiled and went back to eating my amazingly magically delicious date ball.

So if you know me, you know i'm college shopping.I was thinking about Calvin but its cold and dreary in michigan and i dont think i can throw myself into just majoring in theology - especially reformed theology. I think God is wide and open and transcends our barriers; because our barriers are ours.

I want a school with a solid theatre department witha really cool technical director and a good program, an english department that could refine me a bit and a non-sectarian religion program that can let me poke around. it has somewhere i know that there are people who will take care of me because i am totally incapable of taking care of myself. and i need alumni connections. and cheap cigarettes.

i prefer it be in the middle of nowhere preferably by a sheetz

does anyone know where i could find such a place?

everyone i play this song for falls totally in love with it. Props to my dear friend bill martinak for putting it inTalking With so i could have it pounded into my head at an extremely high volume sitting in the booth with steffie during intermission.

:)

my dad said that if i can go a year without getting in an accident i can get a motorcycle :) As in get myself a motorcycle.

I'm torn between the Vespa GTV and Truimph Bonneville.

I'm working on a new show at EVP. I'll be over in a week but it gets me out of the house.

i am lost.

I think there was a time when i know that i was a happy, sweet, intellectual, pretty, loving person.

I feel like a cracked porcelin shell of a person i used to be.

Last night my best friend was taking a shower in my bathroom because she did a hot oil treatment on her hair and needed to wash it out. My dad started going off on me - he caled me worthless and lazy and irresponsable so i started packing my green suitcase hot tears rolling my face and i told him i was leaving and he said fine go fuck somewhere else up. My mother told me she would die without me around so here i am. still.

nothing makes sense.

my dad just lost his job.

beautiful.

despair

i feel selfish, disgusting and completely alone.

if jules had known i was so screwed up when he was alive i don't think he would have liked me very much.

i don't think anyone could ever love me for who i am

and to make things better

i think at the rate i'm going God is going to stop forgiving me.

nothing makes sense

i went to go see rob bell at the Electric Factory in Philly today.

if you know me you know that i absolutely love rob bell. i wouldn't be a christian here today if i hadnt heard his message a la the nooma videos.

no...im...not...kidding

i was standing outside the venue waiting to go in and i turned around and he was about 5 feet away from me. in a green hoodie, sneakers, and jeans before the show started talking to a security guy. i stood and tried not to stare but i think i did in a less than obvious way.

there have ben so many things in my faith that were once completely concrete that i feel like stress and jules dying and life have tried tto erase. thing is have almost forgotten.

things tonight i was reminded of.

i can't wait to move to michigan :)

i drank tea.

i feel a-m-a-z-i-n-g.

i don't understand why. i feel like weight fell off.

the other night my mother was saying something about Jules adn i had a massive, violent, crazy FLIP OUT throwing things and crying and screaming about how i wish he could see my new haircut because he would have loved it and he was my friend and it wasnt fair and then i finally ran out of energy and just sat there crying on my bed. and i felt lighter.

i think i might be back to normal. I mean, i miss him so much and i'll never forget him but i think he would hate that i was doing this. So tonight, i sat on my aunts sailboat, stirring a cup of tea and poking at a piece of pecan pie, the sea breeze blowing my hair in ever direction and i realized that it was okay. very very okay. Mikey says that it hurts so bad because our souls are repairing.

i can accept that. i can begin let myself heal.

I knew this would happen one day, but i didn't know when. I had the conversation that I've been imagining in my head since i was sixteen.

and it was so much worse than i thought.

So i'm at work, its me wendy and alicia. Wendy asks if i celebrate christmas, and i say "yeah you know I do" and she made a joke about me being a church girl. We laugh, Alicia doesnt. She looks at alicia and asks the same question. Alicia looks at her deadpan and says, "No." wendy asks what holiday she does and she says "I can't tell you that, I don't want to lose my job."


Yule.


i could smell it. Alicia starts yelling about how shes a pagan and starts staring at me and rambling about how we stole yule and turned it in to christmas. I smiled, shruged and told her she was right. the llok of shock was priceless. I explained the short version of my past and she listened attentively.

"So you're a blood traitor?"
"Excuse me?"
"you turned your back on your people in favor of the mainstream lie."
"I could hardly put it that way."
"You knew the truth, you had drawn down the moon, yo had seen her face, you had gone through the wheel and you traded it all in for a fish on your car and church on sunday."
"It's not like that."
"You must regret it every day."
"I have never even looked back."
"Oh Liz i can feel those witches burning can't you?"
"Sort of like the christians that were fed to the lions in rome?"
"so is this the part that you subtlely ask me to go to your cute little youth group and shove jesus down my throat until i recite that little sinners prayer."
"Nahh."
"Isn't that how your people operate? Your people killed my high priest in a viscious hate crime."
"my people?'
"christians"
"thats terrible I'm sorry, but that isnt me"
"mmhmm"
"theres no point in arguing with you is there?"
"you'll lose this battle"
"i know all the same moves as you honey. but next time you want me to cover for you on Mabon, or Lughnassadh, or Ostara...forget about it'

I turn to to walk away

"hey...what about Belthane, Imbolc and Litha?"
"...maybe"

i stood stronger than i thought i could. it was very cool

they come in threes

aslan disappeared last night.

its cold and raining.

i hope he comes home

its been a week.
Talking With opened tonight and i ran lights which i absolutely love to do, Martinak gave me a beer *giggles*

that can't mask the fact that i just don't know what to do with myself.

email me - misselizabeththomas@gmail.com

i need people

He died.

I don't know what to do.

To:: Jules Small Jr.

From:: Elizabeth Thomas

Hey Jules,

I know you're not reading this.I know I'm just talking to myself. look, you're my mentor. I think you know that. You're my friend too. One of my best friends in the world and i don't understand how I'm here eating indian food andplaying with my cat and you're in a coma almost braindead. I love you too much. I'm smoking again because of you. You don't even know I smoke. heh. I probably lost my job because i told off my boss.

You're not allowed to die. Please. I. don't. know. if. you. understand. exactly. how. much. i. need. you. here.

if i don't eat a burritto like right now

i think i'm gonna die

i decided to stop smoking on friday. and i gave my cigarettes to Bonnie and she was happy.

and i was happy because i smell human and can breathe

and i went to the convenience store where i usually buy my cancer sticks and they were buy one get one free.

pray for my nicotine addicted soul.

i was sitting on the hood of my car smoking a cigarette in my pea coat after rehersal looking up at the trees throuh my cloud of smoke. Rehersal had just wrapped up and i was waiting for my car to warm up.I've gotten to the point that I've decided that I have to be myself completely and if anyone has an issue with that - oh well.

John had an issue with that. He disappeared. I'm honestly okay with that though. I always felt not good enough around him, and I know that I am good enough.

That sounds cocky, but whatever.

I'm not a Christian though. I don't think I am. I wish i was. So, i was staring up at my gray sky with its full moon watching my cigarette smoke coil up to heaven and I was thinking about where I was a year ago.

I didn't have to think very hard or very long. I had my nose buried in a smooth new copy of Velvet Elvis, reading every page with the big "I'm a kitten with a canary in my mouth" smile. This was a big crazy conspiracy that i really wanted to be a part of.

So what did i do?

I started making sandwiches. Sunday mornings. Bologna, cheese, wonder bread, mustard and lettuce. I probably could have gone to church, but I though this is what Jesus wanted. I was going to join the Catholic Worker Movement and (as my best friend put it) "lace up my doc martens and throw my life away". I gave most of my clothes to goodwill. I was poor, wearing the same pants all the time and perfectly content.

Then, I got a nice car. A well paying job. A new iPod. People who thought I was good, and cool and intellectual when you're not being particularly good, cool or intellectual.

I've become a jerk. I've become pretty and shallow and I don't even feel human anymore. A jerk who isn't following Jesus.

I miss who I was. And I miss Him, I kind of feel like I felt when I was waiting for John to get off work sitting in my LeSabre and getting excited everytime someone came outside. because I knew one of these people were going to be him, and I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. Except Jesus is so much better than John.

One of these days, he'll come out. And I won't be by myself anymore.

new friend :) i found him in a cage in the middle no where. he makes lots of weird liitle chirpy noises. i think he's an alien. or atleast part alien

I've never been so lonely in my life. I feel like no one wants me lately. I'm spiritually dead. I just want to dissapear. I just want to be loved and listened to for once but I'm starting to think thats too much to ask

there are requests about a John post.

tonight after we kind of gazed at each other for about twnty minutes in the backseat of his car he called me up

"Liz, i have a confession to make. You can't get angry."
"oh lord, what now?"
"theres this girl,"
my body ices over.
"and i just absolutely adore her beyond explanation."
"she got a name?"
"Elizabeth Thomas"
giggle.swoon. accidently disconnect John.

Anyway, his name is John, he's twnety two, he graduated from Middlesex with a degree in small business and does something I don't understand with vending machines, but he works at starbucks for the benefits. He's very tall, has incredible blue eyes, and wears sweaters that smell like coffee and cologne. He's a catholic (major points in my book), lives in Hopelawn, hates the Reo Diner (minus major points in my book). He has a phoinex tattooed across his back but i haven't seen it yet (just in pictures). he's sweet, intelligent, well spoken and for some crazy reason quite fond of me.

any yes. he's a boy. i know. shut up

any thing else?

Bus Station 6:55 AM

I am bound to this fate for the next thirty five minutes; that is, to sit staring at the cinder block and ceder alcove watching the cars go by.

Yesterday, I had a car. Theoretically, I still do, but the hood is smashed up against te winshield and the licence plate is in the back seat surrounded by sweaters, novels, iced tea bottles and a plair of lizard skin cowboy boots; a gift to my mother during my parents courtship. Pregnancy widened her feet, now they are mine.

Had I died, what would they have gathered about me from my car? My Coltrane CDs, a never opened copy of the Bhagavad Gita, a pink, green and gray striped French Connection sweater that smelled of Lili Bermuda Oleander Perfume, red lace underwear kicked under the passenger sea in an encounter i don't quite remember, tubes of lipstick, and me hunched over in my green skirt, blue belt, yellow camisole and gray sweater that i traded for a ten dollar bill some years ago in westfield with identical rips in the elbows of each arm. My feet sockless in black Doc Marten Shoes, my ankle bruised and swelling as it is now. A gold cross around my neck whith a rose where the beams meet. Do roses grow in the desert? Who would ever think that crucifixion could become decoration.


So here I am on this misty morning in this gray town waiting for the bus, feeling a bit like Lewis' protagonist in the Great Divorce, which is perhaps my favourite book in the world, but I know that where I'm going there will be no bright spirits to hold me up and no one to tell me that I was created for infinite happiness that i can step into at any moment. There is only Algebra.

I can see the headlights through the mist! Fare thee well!

*sigh*

i totaled my car.

for some reason, i'm not sad.

i did something to my ankle leving Stefs house.

It hurts like bitch i sat in my car and cried. i haven't cried because of physical pain since i was maybe...ten-ish?

seeing John tommorow probably :) :) :)

{EDIT}

i think i have a sprained ankle which no will not stop me from lunchig with my beau.

So i decided to stick my dumb ankle in the sink filled with cold water.

Aslan, being my noble steed, decided to stick his whole head in the water and then his arms and then he started splashing me and drinking my foot water.

freaky water cat

i think i'm in love.

its that whole can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff

i know i said i never would be. that I'm a solitary creature but I'm crazy about

a

boy

named

john.

*sigh*

where is Jesus when you're sitting in bed crying your eyes out, your friends won't return your texts and your cats sit in aline staring blankly at you?

http://www.greenfaith.org/

This organisation is based like fifteen minutes away from my house!!

i'm joining

I'm getting a really bad cold. I slept like all day.




isn't george beautiful? he's the coolest cat in the world :)

So, I need help. Input. I have to write a book report about anything covered in my western civ class, which starts at cavemen and ends at the begining of american civilization.

I kind of want to find a book about Neanderthal Spirituality. They buried their dead, believed in an afterlife and worshipped some kind of higher power which i think is AWESOME. Most of the books i found on amazon about neanderthals are either crazy young earth creationists or people who think that there are still neanderthals living in central asia. I don't see my histoy prof going for that.

i made a ten dollar tip bathing a Rottweiler named Casey :)

i absolutely love my job


When i'm not working my ass off rising lathering and repeating on doggies of all shapes and sizes, falling asleep in class or cuddling up with my cats I am at the library on Stelton Road. Its absolluetly deserted during the day which is quite nic e (unlike the Middlesex library which is a madhouse). Theres only one issue.

This is going to sound horrible but i need to get it off my chest:

I think I mentioned the other day that I accidently brushed up against a cute orthodox jew boy and felt bad about it. So anyway, on friday i'm standing in an aisle looking for a book; Sophies World. theres a guy a few feet away from me. He's my age but he's got a beard and hes wearing black loafers, blackpants a white shirt, a kippah and he has tassels showing. I bet he knows where to get the best matzoh ball soup in highland park. I on the otherhand am wearing cords with black penny loafers, my brothers old boy scout shirt and my hair down and wavy on my shoulders. I pack a soy juice box in my purse and listen to a lot of janis joplin

I see the book, hes in front of it but its at crotch level so I don't want to reach and accidently molest him or anything. He bends down and we're looking at the same shelf. I say "excuse me, can you please pass me Sophies World, its right over there." in my quiet library voice. i answer no glance no nothing. Couldn't he just pass it to me and not say anything. He could have put it on the floor by my foot and it would have been like we'd never interacted.

But no. He ignored me instead. I was so frustrated that I forgot to even get my book and instead sat by the microflim reader and sulked.

So I talked to the transfer advisor today. I told her I was pursuing a degree in religion and an M.Div (from Yale or Princeton Divinity) and that I was thinking Calvin or Wheaton and had recently been looking at New Saint Andrews, but only as a curiousity and as I was talking she interupted me:

"eliiiizabeth, do you know who I really like?"
'No, who?"
"Joyce Meyers."
*retches quietly and stares* "i'm not especially familiar with her..."
"and Reverend Olsten, do you like him?"
"again, i don't really watch relgious...television. I dont really know them...you know i have an appointment with my sociology professor, i should get out of here. it was lovely speaking to you, I'l email the admissions people from the schools and call you." *sweet half smile*

my sociology professor was giving away books and i must have picked up about thirty-ish.

I just started Sexual Personae - Art and decadence form Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson.

I just finshed the first chapter and it is quite enthralling

i just took a shower and in my drain was an enormous clump of hair in the drain. i was putting it up in a bun later and another clump - about thirty hairs came out.

WTF?

will you all still like me if i'm bald? I refuse to wear a wig....hmm maybe if it gets too bad I'll become a fundie and insit on wearing a veil all the time in the name of modesty ofcourse....

in all seriousness, my scapf feels the way it felt that one time when i bleached it with manic panic and cried.If you know me, you know how hard i have worked to have virgin hair after years of dying it and stripping it and various other abuses.

Now its all falling out.

Maybe its because my hair has been really dirty lately (i ran out of shampoo for a week and just used vinegar) and aparently putting up your hair right after showering or getting it wet causes it to never try properly and start to mold. I never wear my hair down.

i need to go somewhere with really clean air and get soaked in rainwater. i got caught in the rain in St George Bermuda and it did something amazing to my hair.

does anyone know anything about this?

A few random thoughts from today...

I was cut off and later flipped off by a car covered in religious bumper stickers this afternoon driving through metuchen. Some of them that i could read were the classics "Jesus Saves", "I love Pro- Life", "God Bless America" and "In Case of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned".

i have one bumper sticker. It says "Edison is Better" with a heart. They sell them at the library for twenty five cents. Its on the inside of my car and it makes me smile.

So anyway, I was quite pissed off at the people driving this Jesus Freak car. I'm not anti christian in any sense of the word. I don't advertise it on my car, i don't torture people at work about it like one of my co-workers (who flaunts her attendance of daily mass while gossiping about the new girl Raquel and criticizing the practices of our salon and our manager). I won't set foot in a christian bookstore (that may however change because i've been eyeing the 'Archaeological Study Bible" in a big way. i'm such a nerd.)

Anyway, people hink that normal well adjusted people who don't have bumper stickers on our cars are just like you when they find out we're christians

so stop ruining it for us.

=======================

I feel like I'm surrounded by hyspocrisy lately, or maybe I'm just noticing it more and its bothering me more than ever. In the past week somethign in me has kind of changed. I feel like my brash outspoken pissed off inner riot grrl has put her hair in a bun, shaved her legs and put on Hush Puppies. Could it be that I'm growing up and out of teen angst?

=======================

This afternoon in the library I was in an aisle looking for a book (Sophies World - thanks for the recommendation Linda!) and I brushed up against a guy in a polo shirt and cargo pants (I was wearing a dress and sweater with a pen stuck in my hair) he turned around and gave me a weirdish look when I was walking away to the microfilm machine (which is my new favourite thing IN THE WORLD). I didn't think anything of it, I get stared at a lot (not sure why). Later from my chair where I was sitting and mercilessly proofreading my essay (due tommorow, but i don't think its as good as some of my stuff in the past has been. pray for me!) I noticed his yarmukle and little prayer string tassels. I know the skirt of my dress brushed up against one of those tassels. I hope he's not in trouble or anything because he was quite cute. I wonder if he goes to that yeshiva on plainfield. Abbe has been trying to set me up with her orthodox cousin Harold who thinks I'm the most beautiful creature on the earth for a few months

For some reason I don't think that'll work. I do make pretty good matzoh ball soup though :)

I was channel surfing at my grandmas house while tyring to do some homework and absolutely nothing was on so i started watching religious TV which is horrifying and not quite as amusing as it used to be

So i have to write a sociology paper (one page) on who i am in relation to society. What 'clubs' i'm in. What "teams" I play for. Despite the fact that I live in my body 24 hours a day these days (i haven't tried to astral project in a while) I am totally incapable of answering that question.

I'm an irish catholic but i'm a protestant. Not an irish protestant. Sometimes, i think I'm more of a screwed up person who goes to church. I'm a feminist but i'm pro-life in a militant way which isn't very feministy. I'm a Liberetarian Christian Socialist in the tradition of Dorothy day. I like liberation theology lately. My parents are normal middle class new jersey republican catholics. I don't have a sexuality that i could attach a label or adjective to at this point except 'messy' at this point in my life...

i like hello kitty. i can build things out of wood. thats about it

Real Women Have Curves

I'd never seen this movie until like...two hours ago with is tragic. I love this scene.

I just cursed out my freezer because i couldnt get everything to stay in there. i yelled, thrashed, and threw things and then in true elizabeth thomas form sat on the floor in my kitchen and cried

hmm i wonder if its time to start going to meetings about this stuff

A squirell threw an acorn at my head this morning when i was hanging clothes out on the line...little bastard.

okay, this fall i am planing to go see:
Paramore (Oct. 23rd - Starland)
The decemberists (November 1st - Terminal 5 NYC)
David Crowder Band (November 10th - Roseland)
Rob Bell (November 26th - Electric Factory Philly)

anybody wanna come with me? I hate hangin out with myself I feel like a lonely loser. the tickets are all like, decently priced.

oh, i found this old pic of myself, and i totally love it.

Calling all dream interpreters

I had the weirdest dream. I was in St. Helenas (the church i grew up going to) back in my altar girl outfit - white robe, big rosaries, green sincture, with my hair in a bun. There were a few of us robed, the same number in streetclothes. they were all catholic people that I knew. Tom, Rob, my brother, Dawn, Steff, Andre etc. The priest (who bore a remarkable resemblance to the Pope) was on the altar and i was kind of tuning out because I couldn't recognize what he was saying as part of the Liturgy and he was kind of whispering.

I noticed then that there was a pitcher and a bowl on the altar which looked like the one that the priest uses to wash his hands before starting to consecrate communion, but it was bigger and white. Everything was white. Then, he comes down the stairs and starts to baptize people. One by one.

I am extrememly resistant to water on my face. I don't like getting wet, so in my head i am freaking out and i don't want this priest to baptize me, but he's getting closer and closer and i can smell the oil in the water and start panicking about how i just ran out of conditioner and how i will have no time to go to Trader Joes to buy more and this oil is gonna mess up my hair. And then he gets to me. And i calm down and the water is warm and i get all emotional and he says "Ego te baptizo in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."

You're all smart i dont need to translate that.

And i felt all weird and warm and confused because i'm not really much of a catholic. And the my cats were fighting and my pillow was all wet and i woke up.

Yet, an hour later i still feel the glow

Dream interpreters? throw me a bone.

Have you ever driven through really thick fog? Or how bout hiked through fog that was up to your knees? I like driving in rain and fog and things like that. I like having to look harder than normal just to see what i'm used to seeing because its warpped in beauty. Blanket of fog. Sheets of rain. The earth is my bedroom. and nothing is better than after the rain or after the fog. Everything is cleaner.clearer.brighter. It's like all the bad has been swept away and you have minor amnesia because you don't remember what everything looked like before the storm.

I love walking with umbrellas. I love umbrellas. they're abosultely wonderful. Especially with so shoes on.

i want to go to Nagles in Ocean Grove for strawberry icecream. and even more than that, i want to drive there. sing along with the radio. Jeff Buckley Grace is the background music

i've been called elizabeth by six people who i have never heard call me that before. How weird is that?

I love cameron crowe movies. Say Anything, Almost Famous, Elizabethtown. Why? All of them have totally unjaded protagonists. The main characters are always amazingly wide eyed and optimistsic and have a unique love for life.

People think I'm like that. They see my randomness and funky wardrobe and spontanuity as an extreme happiness that people want to put in bottle.

tell ya the truth, sometimes, i believe it :)

*smirks* yes. i have a sick sense of humor.

Ali G - Buzz Aldrin

this video is beyond hysterical

i walked in to my brothers room and took off my sunglasses as Aslan jumped into my lap, started purring and fell asleep in the span of about five seconds.

He turned around on his swivel chair and looked me up and down

"You...you were crying. You never cry"

I have two ways of dealing with things that bother me: I can either cry my eyes out and sob to the point that I am totally exhausted. I can turn off my brain turn to stone and internalize it, turn it in to anger and ignore it for as long as I can slowly getting really really bitter.

If you know me, you know that I never cry. I can remember the last time I did - Aslan ran away (we thought - he was sleeping in my room) and I thought he was gone forever. I cried a little. No sobs or major waterworks, just a few tears. Everyone I know cries more than I do.

okay, i get kinda teary whenever alex sings that josh groban song. you know the one i'm talking about.

I'm still really conflicted.
i'm glad i'm way too busy to think or i might self destruct.

I hve a new kitty named Katherine!

abbe invited me to synagogue for rosh hashanah! i already workedat the purim carnival, read at the passover seder and now this! I'm so excited! I am such a kick ass jew.

Steps - One For Sorrow

When i was a kid i ha a compilation CD with this song on it and i would hear it and cry my eyes out.

the thing is, i was like ten years old. I wasn't dating anyone, i didn't like anyone or anything like that...this song just brought out some serious emotions.

damn i had a freaky childhood

Everything feels so bad lately. Like a dark cloud or something.

i found this poem in a book that I am rereading called "When God Was a Woman" by Merlin Stone

Its called the Invitation by Oriah Mountaindreamer. it kind of reminds me of Desiderata

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I found this picture from prom on my friends facebook. I haven't liked a picture of mtself this much in a while

Ani Difranco - Not A Pretty Girl

This song means so much to me today. These are the lyrics

not a pretty girl

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl


I love Ani Difranco so much, she says everything i'm thinking. Why are women so forced to be attractive? My sociology teacher was talking about how she knew a woman who was a corporate CEO and didn't wear makeup and the other women shunned her. Then he asked if there were any ladies in the class who ddin't wear makeup.

Only one raised her proud nail polish free hand.

me.

He went on to ask me if i had a boyfriend. I said no and he asked if I thought that had anything to do with it.

everyone laughed. except for me that is. I forget sometimes that my worth is determined entirely by the way I look.

It doesn't sting so much anymore. I understand that we can't all be princesses, and that being about to bench 140 pounds and outsmart anyone who tries me in a battle of wits will never be as desirable as being the wilting flower.

I really don't know what to think

So i was in my car this morning driving to school and i was listening to one of those stupid radio staion morning shows becuase my car is in the shop and i have to drove the le sabre - whcih has no CD player and a broken cassette play and sitting in silence is the equivilent of chinese water torture for me.

So they had some stupid stupid stupid little contest where you have ten seconds to name five things or something.

the topic 5 famous painters.

i immedeitly start thinking

titian
o'keefe
kahlo
van gogh
raphael
warhol
rockwell

okay that was four seconds.

there were three contestants. NONE OF THEM COULD NAME FIVE.

i was screaming like banshee in my car.

i want to hunt these people down

i hit a cop car pulling out of my driveway yesterday.

i cried for an hour.

he needed three cars of backup becuase i think i freaked him out.

he let me go because it wasn't my fault.

well anyway, i'm back from bermuda. i had fun there and stuff

school started. work starts tommorow. my life is back to normal.

its nice

why do women shave their legs? I haven't in like two weeks and I don't mind it at all and I'm afraid that it makes me a freak, like people are gonna look at my legs and be like "she has hair on her legs. eww." i don't know why thats gross though because i'm supposed to have hair on my head and eyelashes and eyebrows and little hairs on my arms and thats all okay. Men are supposed to have leg hair, but for women its unheard of atleast here in america.what is that? How much time have I wasted shaving?

stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid.

frank zappa?

I was thinking about this weird little thing that happened to me when i was little today and i don't know why:

So one day when i was in fourth grade, my friend Leah and I were walking for my house to hers (we live on the same street but its a mile and a half long) when we saw a squirel corpse.

We were horrifed. We didn't know what to do. This was a dead squirel, and it deserved some kind of ceremonial burial or something.

So we stole a shovel from someones garage, put the squirel on the shovel and carried it a mile back to my house where we explained the circumstances of our shovel theft and possesion of our new dead friend and our intentions.

he threw the squirel in the garbage sent me to my room and sent Leah home.

Fake

I spent yesterday up in the Poconos with my mother and my grandparents. During the afternoon I retreated to one of the bedrooms to take a nap becuase my mother woke me up early and all of this rainy weather is sucking the life out of me. So I was laying down and watching cable and I stumbled upon some first class horrible religious programming. The preacher looked like a pimp and was babbling along about nothing.

It used to be amusing. My friends and i would do impressions in sugary southern accents, fake altar call, we would hit it other on the head, fall backwards, tremble, and then roll around laughing like the idiot we were. Landover Baptist could have taken notes from our bizarre performances.

However on this dreary afternoon as I watched this little program there was no humor to be found, it just made me sad.

What was the message behind the performance? Was it really at its core just theatre masquerading as something more?

I rememeber last spring my friend won two tickets to a Hillsong United concert and since his boyfriend couldn't go he invited me. It was free, so i said yes. Everybody else in the crowd was totally into it like dancing and crying and jumping up and down and i tried to do that for a while but i felt stupid and my arm started hurting and i realized it - this band did this every night. This was a show, a performance, an act. this was fake.

I have been called cynical by numerous persons and a person was once so kind as to suggest that the emptiness i sometimes see in life is really a reflection of the emptiness in me ( i know with friends like these...)

But seriously, why the drama? I'm scared sometimes that we wrap what we have to say, i mean, we call it 'the good news', do we really think that? Do we intentionally repackage what we really mean to make people happy, becuase we know that we would rather them just listen to the friendly things that we have to say than be truly challenged or for that matter inspired to get up and do something?

Its like, when my brother was little, she would put his cough medicine with his pepsi so he would drink it. (for me, she had to put it in a shot glass. i thought i was soooo cool. beyond the point though.)

Why can't we just tell it like it is and whoever wants to listen listens? Why can't we down the medicine straight up? Why do we have to pretend to be better than we are? Is life really a performance?

Quite The Gender Bender (or not)

quite the gender bender aren't i?

EDIT:: upon heavy scrutiny by several people, most of whom know a lot more about drag than i do, it has been confirmed that no matter what i do, i will look like a girl. oh well :), there are worse things i suppose.

creep

i wrote this post on theooze. i just like it so i thought i'd post it here. I would love to read this a s a monologue.

I have a story. i always have a story.

when i was in forth grade i was a total dork.

have any of you seen 'welcome to the dollhouse'?

well i was like that. but worse.

so i went to this agricultural fair with my mom one weekend in the spring and came home with a bag of fried worms. they were meal worms - little guys. they tasted like burnt potato chips if you closed your eyes. So i brought them to school on monday thinking that if eating worms didn't make me cool, nothing would. I kept them in my desk until lunch and then i took them out and started popping them in my mouth and smiling like an idiot.

everyone was horrified. My worms were confiscated, my parents were called and i got sent to the guidiance counsler.

so fast forward a few years i'm sitting in home room - sophmore year. I'm still weird. Rumor has it that i'm a vampire, that i did horrible things on the back of a marching band bus and that i can read minds. so there is this set of twins in my homeroom - both cute and skinny with a cool car and a wardrobe of abercrombie sweaters.

they drop a bag of fried meal worms on my desk and smile bringing up that fateful day in fourthgrade when i though eating bugs would make me cool.

i sat there thanked them kindly and ate everything in the bag and asked if they had anymore.


it was deja vu all over again - they called my parents and sent me to guidiance and didn't listen when i swore i was being harrassed by this evil pair.

my mom was proud of me

everyone knew about it by lunch. two years later, i'm stil smiling knowing that in twenty years, people are gonna show me off in their yearbooks as that freaky psychic girl who ate bugs.

bring it on :)

tract

someone gave me a tract in Union Square Park on sunday. i was sitting on a bench with my mom who had her arm around my shoulder because she stubbed her toe and was walking weird. I think the angry christian man thougth we were lovers, thus angry heathens and were in need of a pamplet titled "DOES GOD LOVE YOU?"

I am so glad this bullshit all happened after lunch becuase i completely lost my appetite and if you know me you know that i don't eat.

It kept refering to the bible as "God lawbook" which i don't really see as true at all and started talking about why you shouldn't join a church because thats not how God works anymore.

things like this make me question my entire worldview. sometimes i'm a deist. if somebody doesn't shake me around, i'm going to become a deist. i don't see god in the world at all

So i have it thumbtacked above my desk and every once and a while i look through it and my heart sinks.

i sit here today with my heart in my hands. I feel ike i'm standing at a crossroads, i can either sell my soul (thats what you do at a crossroads, you go there for powerful spells too) or choose a direction.

oh by the way i learned this today and it made me pretty happy:

"Current techniques for total surgical repair greatly improve the hemodynamic function of the heart with tetralogy of Fallot but do not provide a lifetime correction of the defect. Ninety percent of patients with total repair as infants develop a progressively leaky pulmonary valve as the heart grows to its adult size. Patients also may have some degree of residual right outflow stenosis and damage to the electrical system of the heart from surgical incisions, causing abnormalities as detected by EKG and/or arrhythmias.

Long-term follow up studies show that this patient population is at risk for sudden cardiac death and for heart failure."

I've got a lot to look forward to :)

I'm good.i'm okay.

Rasputina~ Wish You Were Here

the sexiness of this song cannot be understated

i noticed that i didn't have any graduation pictures up. my mom took a zillion of them, but steff took this one as the caps were being thrown and it probably captures the energy of the whole day the best

i went to northern state prison with some people from church and pastor abe - he's a peace officer there. My head is still spinning a little. I came in having no idea what to expect sitting crosslegged in the lobby waiting for the others in my little pink shirt biting my nails. My hair falling around my head in waves. My big class ring. My braces.

Yup, I'm tough.

I feel like a little there is a little cigarette burn on one of the places in me that used to be soft and pink. The guard made a point of telling up that there is no real rehabilitation that really happens here, they're all crazy monsters who don't change. I understand how he could think that, but I refuse to believe thats true. we would walk through the hallways by the cells and the inmates would press their faces againt the window - as if we were a glimpse into the outside world -and yes they would howl at us (the girls at least).

I wasn't scared. I don't know why ,but I was totally unfazed - totally unafraid. There I was, in Newark, face to face with a man who raped an 87 year old woman and then slit her throat. He was 16. Now he's fifty-ish.

We don't think about people in prison. They scare us. They're bad and they don't deserve our niceness or our attention only our scorn. I mean, we live in a system that throws people that we don't know how to deal with away isntead of helping them. In this overcrowded prison most of the inmates have an elementary school education and some are completely illiterate and there are almost no programs in the prison system to educate them. When they get back into the free world what are they going to do with a third grade education except make trouble and end back up in the pen?

This is all really bothering me. I was talking to my mother about it (read: ranting to my mother about it) and she said that if it bothered me so much, go get my little theology degree and be a chaplain or something.

my head hurts. this week has been crazy as hell.

yes. that is a zucchini

"Hey friend, do you want to ra ce?"

Last night, Steffie, my best friend aware of my trauma involving the whole poem stuff decided that what we needed a night to just smoke cigarettes, drink slurpies, eat doritos and drive around aimlessly listening to the radio really loud.

So we're in south edison on woodbridge avenue. It's 2 AM, all the bars are closing (i know my mom says its the worst time to drive, whatever) and we're about to turn down plainfield to pass that big Mack Truck place by Wick Plaza. We're in the turning lane. and this Honda Civic pulls up next to Steffies Caliber. The little indian driving guy does the "roll down the window' signal so Steph sighs and rolls down the window figuring he needed directions or something.

"Hey friend do you want to race?" He gives us an overly enthusiastic thumbs up.
"Uhh, no." Steph says.
"haha then we win!!!" there are atleast six guys in this car and they all have really thick punjab accents
"fine, you win." i mutter and steph yells out the window. they keep doing their little dance.
"You a little tipsy boys?" steph asks
"Oh, just a little."

The light turns green. We go, trying not to pee ourselves laughing. Seriously, we had to pull onto Jefferson blvd by that baseball field just to recover becuase it was so ridiculous.

we went home, made brownies and shot pool until the sun came up.

shes going to middlesex. I don't even know what to say. I'm either gonna cry or throw up. I am honestly afraid. I see her and a part of me just hurts so bad, just crumbles up. I can practically hear all of the horrible things she said to me over the years getting whispered in my ear all over again and those glares. She can look at you and take your humanity away. She's like a dementor in harry Potter.

Thats how she looks at me whenever I see her. She looks through me, and as much as i remind myself that i am not who i was back then it makes no difference because she takes away everything.

i wish there was someone i could actually talk to about this but there seems to be a serious shortage of shoulders to cry on around here.

I remember when i found this poem online. It was about 10 AM on a sunday and i was about to leave for church with Abbe but wanted to check my email. I don't know how this came up, but it did. i started bawling. i thought i wouldn't i would never ever stop crying and my mother made me sit in the car until i cleaned myself up, but I couldn't stop shaking.

well anyway, she wrote this poem - she knew all the right spots to hit, and all the right lies to spread. I'm not too suprised now that i got so many horrible looks from people in school.


I am a victim of your Lesbian Venom
your Lesbian Venom is in my veins
now I foam at the mouth and am subjected to pains

When you shaved your head I thought that was cool
but began to wonder when you played Etheridge
an told me Barbie used to fuck Midge

You took me to check out cheerleaders
by then I saw that it was all true
Lesbian Venom had taken a hold of you

When we took the train up to New York
and I decided to run away
on the streets of the gay pride parade

I ran through Chinatown
but you hunted an caught me
behind the incense scented like pussy

Oh how it smelled!
when you advanced in your dyke denim
and left me a victim of your Lesbian Venom

But now it's all over
you're sad and alone
looking for christian boys to take you home

I hope they like cats
I hope they like bitches
I hope they're warned of what they're to witness

A girl who ignores you
devouring macaroni and cheese
and to only the pussy does she say please

i had a rant up here yesterday. i was in a weird mood. i wrote it late at night and it doesn't reflect who i am.

and now it is gone.

poof!


oh btw - does anybody wanna go see Tony Campolo speak in Ocean grove on August 19th at 7 pm? I don't wanna be a loser and go by myself.

i went book shopping today

The Tao of Pooh
The Vagina Monolouges
Christ the Lord (Anne Rice)

the lady ringing me up gave me the weirdest look in the world

i just smiled

:)

expect reviews of all three

I was at 7-11 yesterday getting snapple and this orthodox jewish (he was probably hasidic actually) pulled up and asked one of the guys who worked there for directions to some place becuase he was obviously very lost. I knew what I he was talking about and in my sweetest most innocent voice I asked "Sir do you need help?", but he just shook his head thanked the man who he asked (who didn't know the place he was talking about) and walked out.

does anyone know if this is customary - that an othrodox jewish man can't talk to a non jewish woman or if this guy was just rude?

I just put Celine Dions greatest hits and the muppet movie soundtrack on my iPod.

as depressing as i know this is - i know every word to every song on both albums

someone please come and save me from myself

Dear lady in the green minivan,

I was in front of you on route 27 at about 6:45 this morning. I know you saw me, I was in the blue/green dodge stratus singing along to Hotel Yorba by the White Stripes with the windows rolled down.

You came out of no where and then you cut me off bitch.I was going probably about fifty mph so you must have been going sixty. I figured you were in a rush? I am here to tell you that you're not that important. No one so important that they need to go twenty miles over the speed limitand weave around people like you do.

And then you did it. You made my day, I have to say.

You pulled into the gas station. You cut me off and drove insanely fast so you could get gas. what the fuck?

People like you are the reason that i have virtually no faith in humanity anymore.

Thanks a lot

liz

I laugh whenever I see this

I'm in a funky mood today:

1) Muslims don't recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2) Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3) Protestants don't recognize the Pope as leader of the Christian movement.

4) Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters.



God is Love.
Love is blind.
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder are blind.
God is a blind R&B singer.

so i went to youth group with melissa. I've been freaking out about it all day - my people skills are lacking and I wasn't sure how well I'd fit with a room full of seventeen year old baptists still kind of high from the Harvey Ceders Bible Conference being that word on the street is that i am a high class heretic (univesal reconciliation makes respectable christians squirm). Needless to say, i went in sort of prejudiced.

I kept repeating my mantra to myself 'I have nothing to prove and no one to impress' and that kept me pretty sane

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Their worship was really innovative and everyone was really sweet.

But there was one thing -

One of the youth pastors spoke a message contrasting the new age movement from christianity through a lens of Psalm 24 which was pretty cool I thought and then I realized that he was shreading this faith apart and growing up I never let my friends pick on anyone - even people I didn't like. I mean, if i get an A on a test and everyone else gets like a C - lowering their grades wouldn't make mine higher would it?

NO

Its theological bullying and its not nice and it makes it difficult for me to sympathize when people cry about how much the world hates christians. I wouldn't like a people who could unravel panethiesm and makes people who do crystal meditation look like idiots and then talk about love.

Its embarassing for me - a person who seriously strives to be the polar opposite. I guess my faith is based on different things.

what does that mean liz?

i had this conversation with a woman trying to 'witness' to me in new york.

Lady trying to give Liz a Chick Tract: Darling, are you saved?
Liz: I don't know, i never really thought about it
LTTGLACT: Well are you a christian?
Liz: Yeah.
LTTGLACT: Are you born again?
Liz: with all due respect, i came out pretty alright the first time.
LTTGLACT: what is your faith based on? " you know none may enter the kingdom of heaven without..."
Liz: oh i don't really care about any of that stuff.
LTTGLACT: stuff?
Liz: I'm a christian because I believe the gospel can change the world and i wanna be a part of that. not for a get out of jail free card.
LTTGLACT: You know, you are cheapening the cross!
Liz: But atleast I dont just want jesus for his blood. have a nice day ma'am.

my head hurts and i've gotta get up early to hang with the Slut

goodnight everyone

Nellie McKay

i have a total crush on Nellie Mckay

The Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism

I am unashamed to say that this is my song

a conversation I had with abbe

Liz:"Oh well, i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints."

Abbe: "seriously?

Liz: "ofcourse, wouldn't you?"

abbe: "no. I'd rather cry with the saints"

Liz: "umm, okay i guess."

the guest left this morning!! ya know what that means?

no more dirty clothes in my bathroom.

no more "can i borrow your laptop for like fifteen minutes" - which always lasts an hour

no more reprograming my radio when i pull over to go to the bathroom

no more naked people in my pool

no more "oh she'll have a baconater" at Wendys - you know i'm a vegetarian you twit

no more " have you read all of these books. on your shelves?" every time he walks in my room

no more destroying the spines of books I'm nice enough to let you read on the beach

No more frighteningly drawn out debates over whether Jesus was white or brown (i think i finally won on that one)

its all over becuase i have my life back to myself

yesssssss!

i never put stock in personality tests until Linda had me take the Myers-Brigg while ago and it was so dead on that it scared me a little

I'm an ISFP

what are you?

I was bored today and took lots of quizzes

my faith type: maverick (but y'all knew that. for spiritual gifts test i've always been missionary)

Hogwarts House: Slytherin

and i don't remember the other results

oh and i discovered something i love to hate more than CCM - muslim hip hop. Seriously its like tobymac but more horrifying. I love it!

I'm in a weird mood today, when i got home from running errands this morning there was anaked person in my rom)

I went to cracker barrel for the first time in my life to pick up the guest (who aslan hates btw, and I trust his judegment more than my own...even if he does have fleas)

I will say for the record that I hate white people food. I like sweet tea but thats it - and tea is not native to america. Steak shouldn't be fried. Nothing should be fried like that. White gravy? Mac and cheese as a vegetable?

Shame on you all.

Its almost worse than hometown buffet.

Do you know what I hate? When you go to a stupid theme resturaunt (because you and your brother did rock paper scissors over Chowpatty and Johnny Rockets and you lost) and everything on the menu has really stupid names that you have way too much dignity to say so you just point to the menu and everyone looks at you like 'what can't you talk?'

Seriously, i was in the 'Dough Roller' which is this fake italian chain place in Ocean City maryland and the sandwich i wanted was called the 'New Joisey'. Umm, i think that undermines everything i stand for as a person from NJ with no obnoxious accent.

I went shopping in little india today and I stopped for lunch - a sack of samosas and a mango lassi and as I was sitting and eating I noticed that I was the only woman who was showing both her knees, elbows and neck. All of the other women were covered from head to toe sitting quietly beside their husbands who were chattering away to each other.

Needless to say there was nothing I wanted to do more than slip on the new skirt I just purchased at the sari shop that came down to my feet and blend in a little more (my ivory skin would still pose a problem, but we can all look past that). Above all of that, the women all looked at me with disgust. I felt like a dalit amoung brahmins quietly flipping through my knitting magazine not making eye contact with anyone.

It was there, sitting in that resturaunt that I decided that I have to have children. Growing up my mother told me that I could do anything I wanted and that I was better than a boy. That arrogance will follow me all the days of my life :). I will have a handful of daughters with long beautiful strong names who will be raised to be self sufficient, aware of their own beauty, owners of their bodies and totally undomesticated. They will know how to bake souffles and use power tools (just like their mom). they will knit, sew and have a perfect spin on a football. they will never be ashamed of their bodies. They will speak their minds without ever being feminazis.

bottomline: if you see a too tall white girl in a mini skirt and camisole in a fast food indian dive in iselin - show some love - her kids are gonna be slappin you around someday :)

I just watched two Lord of the Rings movies. This broke my heart in a whole new way.


Sam: It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it'll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand, I know now folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.
.

Its raining outside my window - I just got new drapes they're electric blue and lime green which makes my room a little bit crazier. They make me smile and smiling is important. I think Aslan likes them too, and if he's happy, I'm happy. I never thought I would love anything as much as I love him and I think he loves me back.

I was out today, walking around in my red heels and I realized that I am a girl without a people. I'm not really in college. I'm not in high school. I'm not an adult, I'm not a kid. I'm not a democrat or a republican. I'm christian but i have no denomination and I am kind of a heretic. So for a second I felt very very lost and very very scared and then I burst out laughing becuase iIwas hit with a bolt of lightning of wisdom:

I am a very happy girl with a very happy cat living simply in a very complicated world and I can accept that or I can try to shimmy into a mold or two that I will never fit.

I feel like I should be scared and nervous because it seems like everyone else it afraid of something or worrying about the future and all I can seem to do is smile and be absolutely certain that despite all of the crap around us everything is going to be okay. You would be amazed at how angry it makes people

my mom says I'm stupid.
nancy says that I have the best kind of faith.
I say i'm just doing my thing.


btw - I just watched elizabethtown which is like my new favourite movie becuase I am exactly like Claire and I am in love with this quote:

"No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also... life "

i was reading my old moleskine journal, becuase thats what i do when i'm uninspired ir want to see how much i've improved as a written etc and i found this entry. i didn't date it, but i know its from last year and it just moved me to tears

*************************************************************************

I was in New York yesterday. I took the PATH in from Jersey City. Its a quick ride, only a stop or two but it's long enough to get distracted. If you know anything about taking trains in New York you know that the path drops you off at World Trade Center station, and to get there you have to go straight through...umm...I hate to call it ground zero. Its a holy crater.

I remember the first time I took the train I didn't know where I was and I asked my mom "Where are we?". I figured that we were in a construction site in Hoboken or something. The look she gave me said it all. It is a wound that will never heal. I will never let it heal. I don't want it to heal. There is a picture of me taken on September 11th, 2001 in english class and you can see the clock in the background. it was about eight o'clock. I was smiling and wearing a sweatervest.

I was twelve years old.

I remember the smell. I can't descibe it to you because I don't know what it smelled like. Nothing on earth had ever smelled like this before. I never cried over it. I never prayed about it. I just turned off my emotions and watched my entire world shatter. Looking back twelve sounds so young, but there was nothing about it I didn't understand. There was no innocence there. No sugar coating. I could see smoke at my house. I remember eating frozen pizza with my best friend Xiao-Xiang and promising that we would live our lives differently; that we would look up, that we would force ourselves to be positive because even in the face of tragedy, life is beautiful. We said that we would love with wild abandon because nothing else matters. Nothing in the world. We thought that was the way we were supposed to live.

It's quite a creed for someone in middle school.

What happened to that?

I kind of went the other way with that though. I'm weird and cynical and I associate with people/ do things if they fit my agenda. If it doesn't fit into my box, it won't happen.

How terrible is that?

Something has been in the air lately. Something that is telling me that I can do better. Something telling me that I'm wasting my time fearing death, because I have never lived.

so je suis fini. i am done.

its time to take my own advice.

I do a little experiment whenever I walk into a church. I pretend I'm Junia or Pheobe or one of those other super cool church mothers who I pray that I can live up to and I wonder what their reaction would be. Once upon a time people heard this message that affected them in such a way that they allowed themselves to be thrown to the lions and we're practically afraid to bring up religion in a secular setting. I wonder what they would make of our service. What would they think when Fr. Perrrini yelled "no more of this five dollar offering stuff. make a damn sacrifice" and saw us all in our shirts, ties and gold crosses? Would they be confused? Depressed?

I was flipping through my copy of the Message (which honestly i don't really like, but my TNIV is such a small font that i'm gonna go blind reading it) and I see how much of it is about happiness. Jesus was really happy. I can't help thinking of Matt 28-30 as so much of what Jesus was all about in a nutshell:


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (TNIV)



What happened to that? Growing up I couldn't wait to wriggle out of being a christian because it was all rules. I remember being fifteen and lying in bed freaking out because I kissed a girl and was afraid to confession and that no matter how good I was I was going to go to hell. The god that was in my head was god of justice who loved those who behaved themselves.

Lets face it, no one really behaves themselves.

So I have been rethinking my christianity. I have decided that I will do everything short of sin to be happy because the other day on the subway I came to the conclusion that God really really wants me to be happy becuase he knows that if I'm happy I'll be nice to people and my hair will stop turning gray and I'll really be able to do His will.

So I have taped that verse to my steering wheel started pondering what Jesus would really want me to do and I have a manifesto

I am taking my life back.

I'm gonna roll down the windows and turn up the volume.

I'm going grocery shopping in high heels and red lipstick - because I can

I'm only buying cute underwear from now on.

I'm going to fall totally in love with myself

When sweet caroline comes on the radio in target - I am going to dance.

I'm going to wear that gray wool jumper with my doc martens even if you say it makes me look weird

I'm going to forgive people before they apologize

I'm going to drink champagne before noon.

I am going to knit something red

I am going to paint all of nails different color.

I am going to wear my pink wellies when its raining

I'm only going to say what I mean

I'm going to eat strawberry ice cream whenever it crosses my path

I'm goint yo take a million pictures

I'm gonna keep chasing the horizon.

forever.

this is so exciting

you should come too

sometimes i feel worthless

i pciked adwoa up from her boyfriends house and then dropped her off at her house

abbe cancelled on me to hang out with raven (her girlfriend)

i dropped robert off at the mall to go to the movies with some girl he's probably dating

and here i am, knitting, posting on the OOZE and staring at my cat.

i'm so lonely that i think im going to die.

Things to do before death

i was going through some old letters and things while organizing my desk this morning and i found something hysterical.

Made by Elizabeth "Zee" Thomas and Stephanie "Cola" Asprocolas

dated June 28th, 2004

22 things to do before death

1.) Kiss a random guy

2.) Fall head over heels in love

3.) Make out in public {x}

4.) Go to Paris

5.) Get on stage together

6.)Buy something really expensive {x}

7.) Get on T.V {x}

8.) Wear something outrageous in public

9.) Conquer fear {x}

10.) Get in a 'Fight Club' fight

11.) Get a tattoo

12.) Be a little old lady for a day

13.) Smoke one whole cigarette {x}

14.) Go to a hardcore protest

15.) Go to the gay pride parade

16.) ROAD TRIP!!!

17.) Dress up for Rocky Horror

18.) Have a one night stand

19.) Fart really loud in public

20.) Scare the hell out of Mr Martinak (in five years)

21.) Get a boyfriend {x}

22.) Be steph for a day


i've done six of these things in the past three years

there are five things on this list that i really don't want to do.

i can remember making the list. we were down in belmar in our bedroom, we had candles lit everywhere and we were giggling and throwing things at each other fantasing about the life that lay before us and all of the amazing things that we were going to do.

then we stopped talking. she liked liquor i liked jesus and that didn't work for a while.

last night we reconnected though and talked about the list. we hung out at mr martinaks house and smoked cigarettes on his back porch and finished each other sentences just like we used to in ninth grade. the only walls that existed were the walls that we created and as it turned out, they weren't even really there.

it was perfect - the church girl leaning on her badass counterparts shoulder reflecting on the good old days when labels served no purpose...

Aslan by Kendall Payne

Don't stop your crying on my account
A frightening lion, no doubt
He's not safe, no he's not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?
The King above all Kings is coming down
But He won't say the words you wish that he would
Oh, he don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good
I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve
No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me
Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

()()()()()()()()()()(()()()()()()()()()()()()

My sweet little kitten baby is better! I got home at lunch time today and he was in my room playing and jumping around like a kitten should. I was so happy. Thank you to everyone who cared about my sweetie :)

I was in barnes and noble today soaking up free air conditioning and flipping through Anne Lamotts new book when something i have never seen before caught my eye. A little girl - maybe thirteen years old and her mother - the stereotypical new jersey suburban mother in the new age section. i walked over and pretended to be flipping through something on spellcraft as i watched the pair.

Then she did it.

She picked up a copy of teen witch by silver ravenwolf.

trash. total trash. i had this book when i was twelve its amazing i ever progressed. i knelt down and picked up a book on wicca, making eye contact with the mother in a 'I can help you' sort of way

"Maybe this nice lady can help us."
I looked up and smiled tucking my diamond cross into my blouse.
"what do you need?"
"I met laurie cabot..." the little girl mumbled. I saw myself in her so much
"ah, the official witch of salem."
"You know her?"
"No, but I know of her. So what about Laurie Cabot?"
"well, I talked to her and I want to be a witch."
I nodded holding back tears "A worthy pursuit I will say."
"Are you a witch?"
"Me? Once upon a time I thought I was."
she nodded asif she knew exactly what I meant.
"So what book do you recommend miss?" the mother interjected
"Oh, put down that silver ravenwolf silliness. Wicca for One by Scott Cunningham. Its excellant."
"Thank You ma'am."
"Oh you're welcome. Its a pleasure to help."

I walked back to the religion section and went back to my anne lamott trying to decide if I did a good deed or not.

Oh Brother!

A conversation i had at the beach today with my brother roberts best friend (also named robert)

Liz: So, you go to catholic school, thats gotta be rough. Do the nuns slap you around and stuff?"

Rob: No but the brothers yell at us

Liz: A Brother thats like a monk right?

Rob : A brother is a homeboy who slaps the bitches around. I thought you would know that liz.

Liz: Mmmm, you're right i did know that. So does that make you a bitch?

Pray For My Kitty

this morning aslan woke up with on extremely swelled up cheek so i took him to the vet. It turns out the poor guy got bit on the face before he went to the shelter and it was infected.

he's getting surgery tonight and i miss the little sweetie.

i think God intercedes for cats.

our newest family member Aslan Jacob







"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

- the lion the witch and the wardrobe by C.S Lewis

Endings

So i had my last day of work yesterday. I was there for five damn hours and when i got home I kind of wanted to die - but abbela wanted to go swimming so we swam instead which was okay. I guess. She ran around in my pink bikini for a while yelling "I am a transvestite" much to the amusement of my cat george and my new kitten aslan. I sat in a tube and read (big surprise there.)

For those of you who don't know what I do, I am a superbabysitter. I work at a big daycare and I am in control of about thirty kids for about three hours everyday.I' ve gotten to the point that I know most of my little guys better than their parents do which is more than just unsettling and that I answer to MOM before I answer to elizabeth.

I saw was evil when i looked at these kids. I didn't want to be near them, i didn't want to hug them i wanted the mall to dissapear. I wanted to read and listen to my iPod and not jump rope

I wasnt always that way though. I used to live to go to work. I loved my kiddies asif they were my own. If they were crying i'd be tearing up too because i could not stand to see little people so sad. we would play dominos and jenga and i would only use little words when we played scrabble (I'm a scrabble champion) and we would draw with chalk and it was bliss.

Then one day Abbela picked me up from work in full drag of course and I guess because of the way we were talking or because of the way she calls me honey,well my boss thought we were an item.

Doc Martens + Melissa Etheridge concert tees+ cargo pants + never wearing any makeup+ occasionally referencing the mohawk you used to have+ transvestites for friends = raging lesbian.

I have a slew of ex boyfriends who could protest but I'm tired of having to defend myself against things like that.

So then they started to try to get me fired for anything thing I did. Being that my mother is their boss, it didn't work. So instead they treated me like crap every minute of every day I had work until it broke me completely. I couldn't even remember what I saw in the little demons that I had to entertain for three hours a day.

I was sitting with my kids making head garlands out of clover flowers andIi remembered what it was. they were talking about religion and what their parents grew up with in china and how they went to church and christianity was the american religion and they kept using that term which made me laugh a little (I wasn't going to correct them - they're all seven years old) and then they started on politics

Maureen: "My dad met george bush. they should have arm wrestled or something> He's an idiot."
Aimee: "Yeah, my parents like that black guy"
Jenna: "Hilary. its all about Hilary. Barak is a loser. Hilary."
Me: "None of you are old enough to vote."
Maureen: We're old enough to know that George bush is a loser though."
Aimee + Jenna: "Yeah"
Jenna: "Gosh elizabeth, don't you know anything ?"

And then i remembered and it surged back. That ridiculous insane love for the little ragamuffins that I spent way to much time with. I was so horrified by how badly I treated them and part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness.

We made necklaces and drank apple juice instead. It was the right ending.

SCHOOLS OUT FOREVER!!

okay, now for whatever i was thinking about

when it comes to political things and foreign policy and all of that smart people stuff I am clueless. I have no excuse consitering the New York Times lands on my doorstop every morning but the only sections I read are arts and leisure, sunday styles, metro and the new york time magazine. I used to be the president of Model UN and I followed politics really closely but now I don't really have the energy - which i know is pretty bad, but I'm not too proud to admit that i can be pretty clueless at times.

Anyway, so i drive past thre schools on my way to school. One is a catholic school that my ex-best friend goes to, so i kind of scowl at it and get on with life. So the other day my brother rob and i were driving to school and listening to Jewel and rob commented on lyric that I've always been a fan of

"There are plenty of people who pray for peace
but if praying were enough it would come to be"

We got stuck at a light and we were face to face with a billboard that said "St. Thomas Aqainus High School Prays for Darfur" which I had never noticed. Rob would have been more inclined to consitering he was part of the huge campaign for darfur that our school had - tee shirts, donations and a huge battle of the bands to raise money. I thing we finished over ten thousand dollars - all donated to savedarfur.

i felt the snob in me creep up - they were praying and we were raising as much money as we could...

and now i feel horrible about myself

I i don't start reading I'm gonna die.

I learned how to read street signs when i was three years old and started reading Steinbeck and Stephen King when I was ten. Except lately, i've been so distracted that i don't read any thing of quality except books we read in school. I made a summer reading list

))Fiction((

New Reads
1.) Clockwork Orange
2.) Everything Is Illuminated
3.) The Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius
4.) Fight Club
4.) In Cold Blood
5.) The New Harry Potter book and the last HP book that came out

Rereads
1.) the Narnia Series
2.) The Little Prince
3.) To Kill a Mockingbird (everyone should read this every summer.)
4.) Bible cover to cover (i've never gone straight thru)
5.) Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

the non fictionlist will come later - and oh don't bitch at me forr puting the bible on my fiction list. it reads like a narrative and not stereo instructions (well...you could probably argue that at some points lol) and that is why it is there.

Advice? Seriously, this list won't get me through june...

<3

liz

I realize that whenever I have these silly blog things, i never write about my real life, usually just abstract things that happen in my head behind my real life. That probably gets on everybodys nerves becuase its so heavy.

I am a very cheery person. I walked in to church with a pout the other day (err...sunday) and my friend Lucy ran over to me and exclaimed "Where is Liz?" which was really confusing becuase they usually ask where Abbe (my best friend who occasionaly graces New Beginnings Church with her lovely messianic jewish transvestite presence.) i laughed, not sure how to answer her question and trying to buy some time and she kissed me on the forehead and smiled saying "Oh there she is". I have a reputation on being happy which I wear with pride.

this afternoon i had to fulfil my duties as the president of the gay straight alliance at the house of one of my very best friends Mr. Christian Carrillo. Once upon a time he was my english teacher, but now we are just buddies. He live with his partner is an awesome little house in spotswood which is so beautiful i can't even explain it. Being that it was the end of the year and so many of us were graduating, he had barbeque for us. I wasn't sure what to expect so i made a pasta salad and made the forty minute drive to spotswood.

Donald Bender, my VP made my life. If today, he decided to start a religion based on himself i would join it. He bought a slip and slide. I am an elitist. i will admit it. I don't go a no slip and slide no sir. but there i was, in my extrememly prude two piece bathing suit standing before this great plastic thing. Who the hell came up with the slip and slide? They should be cannonized immedietly

I have one word. Cathartic. I've been in a serious slump lately. But laying in a little pool at the end of a slip and slide being splashed by your awesome transgendered best friend and your cool gay english teacher who you go to worship concerts with there is no time to be dignified. You just have to laugh and scream and give in and accept that you look like a chubby hot pink beached whale and there is nothing you would rather be doing.

and to make things better - Donny gave me the slip and slide to take home - so every minute of the summer that i'm not posting on the ooze - i can be embarassing myself in my front lawn

awesome!

domesticated

I stared down at my addidas shoes box full of CDs. It was about 78 degrees out - perfect in my little skirt, cami, and flip flops so the music had to be perfect. My cat had just run away and i had to go down to the animal shelter to see if he was there.

There was one CD under the passenger seat- something I obviously hadn't listened to in while. I reached down there, my curiousity burning.

mewithoutYou. The cover glared up at me as if calling me a chump,challenging to me to put it in the CD player and see where it led me. I popped out Sinead O'Connor and put the disc in.

Part of me says that I should have resisted. I should have just put on Jars of Clay or the radio or something and went about my normal happy stagnant day. maybe I wouldn't have had to drive down to the boat dock and stare down at the raritan river and wonder what the hell happened.

There was a time in my life when I threw out all of my clothes, stopped eating meat, stopped watching TV, and prayed all day long. God and i were in constant dialouge and there was no one i would rather talk to. I knew beyond all shadow of doubt that he really really loved me no matter what. A time when religion was a sattle and I was a wild pony. A time when spending my entire paycheck on cans for the food pantry made perfect sense. A time when I knew that everything was a gift. A time when i was good to everyone because God was good to me. On sunday morning I would make sandwiches and listen to mewithoutYou and them put them in bags and drive them to a soup kitchen in new brunswick and then go out for mexican with my mom.

...I don't do that any more. I wake up late, put on makeup, brush my hair and pick out a sweater set and knee legnth skirt so i can go to church, sit in the back row, kiss everyone on the cheek, smile and then drive home still carrying that bitter ache, plagued by doubts - constantly wondering if an hour and a half on sunday morning is what Christ had in mind.

I don't even think I'm a christian anymore. I don't know if I'm following Christ at all. Reading that sentence is pretty painful - I constantly give people advice about spiritual things and they think I'm so insightful and so holy and I listen to christian music in the car and I constantly journal about theological things (I have little debates with myself) and i still read lots of biblical commentary. I went to a freakin Hillsong United concert two weeks ago and jumped up like you've never seen me jump up and down before. I have Jeremy Camp tickets for august. I look the part. I look like the cutest little stereotypical christian girl you've ever see. Have you ever seen 'Saved!', you know the girls in that movie? Thats what i'm talkin about.

the King has left the building. I went to the boat dock on saturday to mourn a time when my faith was insane. A time when all i wanted was to get rid off all my baggage so I could partner with Jesus and take on the world and all of the corruption that was strangling it.

What happened?

When did i become domesticated?